Functionally I have always thought it helpful, and even better, to give yourself over to and commit to that thing that demands your attention. At times it has been persons, sometimes things or ideas. And functionally, I think I have been living my life the way a drug addict might, going from one high to another. These highs, that are found in those realities that demand our attention, last about two years-sometimes just months. It reminds me of the flack I got for hiking the Appalachian Trail the way I did. People would say that I ran the thing, missed the point. The trails have served me well as metaphors for life, but the disturbing thing is that I get on trails and just want to run them, to get through. I ran the trails of pastoring and loved it, while at the same time was not set up for sustainability. I remember thinking that maybe I just didn’t have the capacity to do this sort of thing.
I think that some of this drive is rooted in the sense that God wants something from me. I often hear people say that they want to be ‘used’ by God. God is then painted as a character who is in the business of burning up people like fuel for some disconnected beyond us purpose (kind of like the images some have in their heads as it relates to hell). But I wonder if God is not interested in using us, rather loving us.
So, I stopped drinking coffee today for two reasons. The first is a practical one, it is expensive. The second requires some explaining out. At one point I was working full time, going to school full time, dating a woman full time and trying to be fully present in the things I was involved. I was an RA and I lived an hour from where I worked. It was just to much and I was a blurry person. But then I discovered coffee and all my problems were solved. Well… unfortunately solutions in the context of modernity really don’t fix anything. Our drugs simply treat symptoms-they don’t heal-they help us function with a false and numb way of feeling. They give us the strength to continue to be used up as we limp along. Now I am sure I’ll limp through this life in some ways as I approach loss and watch the chaos win at times. But sitting on the edge of the Pacific Ocean this past week has me hoping that I might step into this space of love, as big as the sea. Sure it is chaotic but it is honest and calm and truer to the person God is loving you into, isn’t it?
