I had been walk for only about two weeks but the weight of the day and the long miles I sentenced myself to had worn me into the ground. I was hobbling at this point because of the blood blisters on both of my feet and my shoulders had developed a strawberry colored rash that was ignited by sweat. So I had made a mental plan. I say ‘mental’ because I had made the plan in my head, not because I was crazy, but perhaps both were true. You see I was so lonely and had never, to my surprise, experienced loneliness. What I had experienced before was only the metaphors the world gives us for loneliness. They go like this:
I felt so lonely.
I was around all these people but I was lonely.
Loneliness can come from within but this inner battle to feel in community is connected to and represented by a far greater fear of physical abandonment. The first couple days I had seen a few day hikers and a couple on their way south toward Springer Mt. but for a while nearing four days I hadn’t seen a soul…or a body. I was lonelyand felt lonely. However, back to my mental plan that seemed like it would fix everything delivering me from the kind hell I had gotten myself into. The plan was to finish the trail, yes I would do something I wasn’t enjoying because I knew I would not enjoy having not finished. But the plan had one variable that made it a bit on the crazy side, I would walk 35-40 miles a day and would finish in two months. I had reasoned that my body could do anything for a month and I would have to tell my body to walk the second month, that is if I still had legs.
And so just days into this unannounced plan I was hobbling a bit bloody and so lonely I could cry at any moment. I sat on a rock and their she came, Two-staff Girl. She had appeared out of nowhere. I had been walking fast enough that no one was going to pass me and come to think of it there was no one out there. But there she was. She had to get off the trail for two weeks because her stomach was bleeding induced by all of the dried food she had eaten. Boy did I feel like a baby complaining about my nickle-size blood blisters. We talked and walked all day and she whispering three words I am still trying to get my head and heart around, “your never alone.”
I was broken and no longer could see
But you were there sitting and waiting for me
With a staff in each hand
You reached out and helped me stand
We began to journey, long on the day’s walk
As you let me lead, we began to talk
I needed you more than the clothes on my back
And you sensed the strength I lacked
With three words you made me new
Speaking the words of hope, your love was true
With eyes fixed on my soul, I remember your tone
In this world as you wonder, “your never alone”
